Oh goodness, I am in one heck of a mood today. Seriously, even I am finding myself quite unpleasant. Just when I think I have it under control, a child decides to disobey, or I read something that annoys me and it’s over again. The loss of control always catches me by surprise as does my temper. I did not grow up in a house where there was yelling nor did The Doc, but sometimes I fear that my girls will. No I don’t yell often, and definitely not on a daily basis, but I do. There are moments when I feel my blood start to boil and I lose it. And, the things I yell have got to be some of the lamest of all. Things like “Stop it stop it stop it,” while shaking my hands. How do the girls not completely bust out laughing? Seriously! The goal of my yelling is obviously to get them to listen better, or do what I am requesting, but it never works. Let me say that again, NEVER. If BQ is upset and I yell, it only gets us both more worked up. And Molé? Well, it just makes her lower lip quiver and her eyes fill with tears. Yah, mother of the year moments, ehh.
The guilt from these moments where, let’s be honest, I basically throw my own tantrum is huge. At times it’s overwhelming and I am horrified by my own inability to behave. I have to remind myself that they are allowed to act like two year olds and I am not. Pity parties are of no help nor is spending an hour sitting on the couch with the computer while staring at a messy and disorganized home. Maybe I should take this frustration out on the bathtub, because goodness me it might really benefit. What I want to do is run to the kitchen and grab anything with a fat content of at least 16g per serving and feast. Unfortunately, that doesn’t ever seem to change my mood either.
These are the times when I realize that one of the most unexpected challenges of being a mom is that through parenting I learn things about myself that aren’t glamorous. Many of the things that I am most ashamed of, my most profound weaknesses, are thrown in my face on a daily basis. It is draining. There is no doubt in my mind that God uses motherhood to reshape, refine, and renew us into women who look a heck of a lot more like the people He designed us to be. We cannot escape the truth of who we have allowed ourselves to become. It is out in the open, laid bare, and it’s ugly. I think that is why I get so upset, so frustrated, and so full of guilt. The only way I can respond is to become more teachable and to allow myself to learn lessons that are hard and painful and to come through it all changed. I don’t want to say, “well, this is just who I am, and they were really being awful.” I don’t want to teach my girls that when we feel frustrated or angry our first response should be to scream. Not good life skills. And so I find myself in this battle between the Amy that’s in me and the Amy that I want so much to be. There are days when I feel like maybe the old me is really gone and I might do a little victory dance. Then there are days like today when it all crashes down. Does PMS play a role? Well yes, yes it does. But I am not going to start giving myself excuses for bad behavior. I don’t want to settle, I want to change and grow. And even though it is really, really hard, it’s worth the fight.