Do you ever feel like you just can’t catch up?  There just doesn’t seem to be the time, or the caffeine to help you reach that place where you can, simply, exhale.  I would just like to have a couple of hours to myself.  That’s it.  Not even an entire day, just a few hours.  Some time off.  I had two hours yesterday, to myself that is, and had the pleasure of spending it getting a permanent filling and temporary crown.  Sweet.  (can you get the thick layer of sarcasm that I’m spreading on here?)  Then, I had an hour and half and I went to the store.  That was actually quite enjoyable. But man would I love to find a way to really recharge my battery.

I think the thing you don’t realize before you become a mom is that there is no off switch.  There isn’t ever a time when you aren’t “on.”  Take right now, for example.  The girls are asleep, my hubby is at work, and the house is quiet.  Sounds great, right?  It is, but the reality is I’m still trapped.  I can’t run out for a cup of coffee, meet with a friend, or even turn my music up really, really loud.  And when I do go to bed, I can’t put the humidifier on high and close the door, because I have to be alert in case I’m needed.  

All of this being needed stuff makes me feel, well, spent.  Drained.  Used up.  Empty.  Done.  I guess in the three years that I have been a mom and the 1 1/2 that I have been a resident’s wife, I have yet to figure out how to refill my tank.  It sucks, because I know that if I can’t figure it out I will continue to run on fumes.  I love our girls and I am so happy that we made the decision for me to go pro in the mom department.  (I like to call it “going pro” since technically mothering is my current profession.  And, let’s face it, it sounds pretty dang cool).  But between my sweet hubby’s 80+ hour work weeks, living in a place where I still don’t feel settled or like I know people, and not having any childcare to speak of, it takes its toll.  

So let me cut my lament because I want to get back to my point, which is, how do I refuel and how do I figure out how I refuel?  Hmm…


4 thoughts on “Spent

  1. I feel your pain… even when I sit to “relax” for a few minutes, I think about all the things I should be doing around my house… laundry, vacuuming, cleaning, etc.
    I wish you luck finding that time to refuel.

  2. i’m curious, amy, if simply using words on paper to articulate the strain inside doesn’t relieve it just a little? keep letting off steam as you need to, i’m hear to listen and try to absorb some of it, though I wish like crazy i could drop by the house and send you out for a couple hours a couple times a week at least! I promise you, this window in your life will have a new view.

  3. Gosh, I’m so sorry you’re feeling so spent. I want to remind you how much I am inspired by you. I can’t imagine being “on call” as much as you are. I feel spent too, and I have help at least once during the week and Cody is home in the evenings. You are an amazing mom and the girls are so blessed to have you. You are also an amazing wife and I know M is so thankful for you – for the sacrifices you make. Continue to turn to God for that extra strength and patience. Something I am constantly reminding myself to do. I know He can refresh you. I wish I had a great idea for you to get away. I’m hoping that some simple words of encouragement might fill your cup with at least a drop . . .

  4. I wondered the same as Susie… maybe writing is a way for you to at least release it.

    I’m not sure… but I do understand somewhat. When Mark travels it just feels so confining because I can’t get away ever. It’s frustrating and draining.

    As I type #2 decided to wake up in her swing and not go back to sleep. There goes my nap time. Back to mothering…

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