As you can probably guess from my last post, I have not been in the most witty, creative, let’s write something for entertainment value on the blog kind of mood. But, I’ll attempt to mix it up.
First off, would you mind saying a prayer for Mary? Today is her birthday. How is she to celebrate only 3 days after losing her child? I think it’s safe to say this birthday is going to totally suck. Nonetheless, pray that there would be some glimmers of joy, some moments in the midst of this vortex of grief, that would help to soothe and bring comfort to this amazing woman. Thanks.
The times in my life when I have been grieving, I always find that after a few days of crying the tears tend to run out. I’ll find myself “dry crying.” It’s almost as though the body simply cannot bear to take the energy to produce more tears. In those moments the sadness is almost a palpable hurt- an ache. I hate that stage. Where you just want to wake up, trade realities, or crawl out of your own skin? Do you know what I mean?
Molé is going to turn 1 soon. She’s walking, almost running, all over the house, cutting molars, sleeping all night long without even a thought about her mom, attempting to say words, and turning into a toddler right before my eyes. She stopped nursing, as you already know, about 3 weeks ago. For a while I was secretly hoping that she would go back to it, and felt like my body would still be able to step up to the plate if she changed her mind. But now, I know that I am truly dried up. That time is gone, over and not coming back. This process of letting go is already beginning. Being a parent often seems like a road of “letting go-s.” With each stage that passes there is joy and a bit of sadness too, isn’t there? There will come a day when our girls do not live under our roof, do not need me on a daily basis to help them use the potty, and may even live far away. Such is life.
I guess what this is all making me realize is that I want to savor it all. I don’t want to linger in a dried up place. When those times comes I want to acknowledge them, but then I want to look with joy at what’s to come. Even though it makes me nauseous. The challenge to live in the present- not grieving what we’ve lost or longing for what’s to come, but sitting down to tea with right now. Drinking deeply, savoring every last drop, and engaging in the wonder that is this moment.
Life is full of loss- just ask my sweet friend, Mary. My prayer for her is that someday, when the time is right, she would be refilled. That there will be a day where the dry places will overflow with abundant joy. May we be the kind of friends that can look for it for each other, when we can’t for ourselves. Many of you know that I believe in Jesus. I believe He is able to restore, renew, and heal. It can take time, but He is faithful. I trust He will be faithful to Mary.
Oh, another heavy blog. What can I say? It’s where I am and I want this to be real. Just to end with something, should I say, light?
Being dried up in the “bosom” area is so lame. When you are not “well endowed” to begin with, part of the thrill of breastfeeding is your first experience with cleavage. I felt like a 13 year old girl again. No more plunging necklines for me. Are you relieved?